"At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines.. or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross.
Here's what I know: if you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side.. is spectacular."
–Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy
somebody pointed out that i was just in denial.
i hate looking at our photos. bleh. i'm just really sick of crying.
What are your top 25 most played songs?
Submitted by Cooxie.
1. strange and beautiful - aqualung
2. fake plastic trees - radiohead
3. just - radiohead
4. strawberry fields - the beatles
5. a favor house atlantic - coheed and cambria
6. summer love song (antigravity) - incubus
7. a certain shade of green - incubus
8. coffee - copeland
9. what sarah said - death cab for cutie
10. 3 libras - a perfect circle
11. such great heights - postal service
12. comfort in your strangeness - cynthia alexander
13. the luckiest - ben folds five
14. be quiet and drive - deftones
15. maselang bahaghari - eraserheads
16. rainsong - imago
17. idlip - imago
18. everybody wants you - jeff buckley
19. we might as well be strangers - keane
20. sleeps with butterflies - tori amos
haha
i'm not much of a dashboard confessionals fan, but on days like this, their songs sure do come in handy.
alcohol and panic and anxiety aside, i've finally grapsed the reality of things. the losses i'll have no matter what i end up deciding on. and no matter what choice i make, i will always be on the losing end. it will hurt like a mother fucker no matter what. and it will scar so bad, i'm not so sure it'll ever go away - the pain, i mean.
5 days. and i'm worried. about what will happen between me and perp, most of all. if he doesn't make a decision, then i will. i love him, but i can't be left hanging like this. my heart just can't take this beating anymore. i'm not that strong.
have you ever felt like there's this giant hand squeezing at your chest, and you can't breathe, you can't scream, and all you can do is just stand there until that giant hand learns a thing or two about mercy and stops. but he's done so much damage already you wish he'd just finish what he started... squeeze the life out of you.
i don't know what to do. i have to make a choice. no matter what the outcome is, i still have to make a choice. either way, i lose somebody. either way, somebody gets hurt. either way, it's not fair to anybody. either way, it's harder than i could ever imagine. and either way, i will wish that i don't have to do it.
i love perp.. with all my heart.. and with everything i have in me. but this... this can't go on.
and there's that other thing i'll worry about after this.
one thing at a time. i can't do everything all at the same time.
i wish i was just a robot.
my dad's been trying to talk me into going to medschool. either that or law school (but not ateneo law). he's been telling me to seize the day while i'm still young. ever since i told them of my plans of going back to school, they've been trying to brainwash me into thinking that there are only two options. stay in SGS until we've milked all the company's benefits for all they're worth, or med/law/proffesional school(s).
no thanks.
i'm taking visual communications/multimedia arts next year even if i die trying. it'll be expensive, of course. and i've decided on doing this by myself. my parents have spent too much already for college, i think i shouldn't put this on them too. besides, i'm 21. i should really start taking care of myself. if it weren't for that filipino thing were families are just too close knit for comfort, which i'm really really grateful for, i'd be living in a dingy apartment, living off on cup noodles. damn this third world country that i love. anyway, so yeah.. since i'm still mooching off on my dad's income, i think i can pretty much be able to send myself to school with the salary i'm getting plus a few freelance jobs here and there.
i just really have to be able to send myself back to school next year. i owe it to myself.
i'm going to this conference for multimedia artists on december. one of the speakers, as it turns out, is my boyfriend's cousin. which would have been awesome (you know, free passes, meet and greet the other speakers, referrals and recommendations, maybe an apprenticeship or something), had it not been for my current situation with him. timing is always everything.
just got back home from work. will go out tomorrow evening to drown my sorrows in alcohol. for now, i'll just watch grey's anatomy. i'm going to shelf gilmore girls for the meantime.
stayed up til 6 this morning, watching rory throw away a perfectly good relationship with dean for jess. yes, i can get pretty attached to tv characters, biggest example would be naley. dean reminds me of perp and jess reminds me of osh. however the situation is a lot like when i was with osh then perp came in. bleh. sucks.
my life is one big teen-age drama series. and i'm already 21, for heaven's sake.
i fucking miss my boyfriend. we're supposedly turning 1 year old next saturday, but our situation's too complicated right now. i've run out of ideas how to make things ok, and he's completely shut me out. i feel so helpless and seriously alone. i told my friend that i'm giving us til the 14th (our anniversary). if things don't improve, i have to make certain decisions... what those decisions are, i'll figure out when i get there.
wish me luck.
Love
Because of you, in gardens
of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the
parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory
of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy
walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in
every
window.
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.
right now, every single thing is irritating. every question, is a nag. and every fucking move i make reduces me to tears. hello PMS!
i hate giving instructions to my mum, especially instructions that involve the computer and the internet, much less over the phone. here she comes calling me at work, asking me why the printer wouldn't work. i have no idea. i tell her that. she gets mad. i give a few helpful suggestions. she gets mad because she couldn't understand. i tell her to wait for me to get my ass home. she gets mad.
SHE GETS MAD!
gaah.
last night, my bestfriend went out with 2 of our friends. of course, i wasn't invited. the two of us are having issues. i just felt... betrayed (for a lack of a better word).
and i found this: virtual ipod. pandora's better, i think. but the ipod feel is pretty cool.
dear self-esteem,
where are you?
love,
me
